A few weeks ago, I found myself in a conversation where a very strong, very negative opinion was quickly taking over the room.
It was like watching a wave crash through the group. Everyone was suddenly agreeing, feeding off each other's anxiety, and validating the panic. Even though I felt differently in my heart, the pressure to just nod along and not make waves was incredibly heavy. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to stand still when everyone around you is rushing in the opposite direction.
It is a deeply human experience to feel swayed by the crowd. As parents and grandparents, we worry constantly about the overwhelming tide of media, trends, and peer pressure our children and grandchildren face every single day.
But this week’s Torah portion, Shelach lecha, offers a startling realization. The greatest, most destructive example of peer pressure in the Torah was not about fitting in with a crowd. It was about Israel.
Twelve spies are sent to scout the Land of Israel. Ten return and launch a devastatingly biased, fearful campaign against the land. They spin a narrative of impending doom that sweeps through the nation like wildfire. The collective panic is absolute, and the peer pressure to abandon the dream of Israel is overwhelming.
When we look at the terrifying narratives against Israel our grandchildren are facing on college campuses and social feeds today, it is chillingly familiar. We are battling the exact same archetype thousands of years later.
Yet, amidst that ancient hysteria, one man stands his ground. Caleb refuses to succumb to the terrifying political opinions of his peers. He stays true to his beliefs, and the Torah later describes him as having a ruach acheret, a different spirit.
How did he do it? How did he resist the crushing weight of public opinion?
The Torah gives us a beautiful, subtle clue. While the other spies were scouting the land, Caleb took a quiet, intentional sidequest. He went to Hevron to visit the Mearat HaMachpela, the resting place of our Patriarchs and Matriarchs.
Caleb did not go to Hevron to learn a new debate tactic. He went to remember who he was.
Standing at the resting place of his ancestors, the Avot and Imahot did not tell him what to do. They reminded him of his roots. When the noise of his peers became too loud, Caleb tuned into his history. He remembered exactly who he was and where he came from, which gave him the unwavering strength to know where he needed to go.
This is where your profound role as a grandparent comes in.
When your grandchildren face this modern wave of peer pressure, it is exhausting and confusing for them. As grandparents, we naturally want to fix it. We want to teach them exactly how to debate the history and fight the narrative. But you cannot really teach a grandchild how to resist every single pressure they will face. That is too big a promise.
What you can do is help your grandchildren know who they are. Because a strong identity is what allows people to withstand pressure.
You are their Hevron. By sharing your family’s stories, values, traditions, and memories, you are giving them roots. Like Caleb, they will not always need your advice on what to say, but they will desperately need to know where they come from. When they know who they are, they are far better equipped to stand strong, even when the rest of the world is swept up in the panic.
How can we proudly provide those roots today?
1. Joyful. Share a purely joyful memory of Israel or your family’s Jewish history with a grandchild this week. Before they can defend their identity, they have to love it. Tell them about the taste of fresh falafel in Jerusalem, a funny story about their ancestors, or a beautiful Shabbat tradition. Show them the joy of their roots.
2. Intentional. The next time a grandchild feels overwhelmed by the world's "noise," intentionally shift your focus. Do not try to fix the external problem or give advice on how to debate their peers. Instead, remind them of who they are. Provide that quiet, grounded space where their identity is secure.
3. Connection. Share a story with your grandchild about a time our family, or the Jewish people, faced adversity in the past and pushed through. Let them hear directly from you that they come from a long line of resilient people. You are handing them their history so they can navigate their future.
Do you know someone navigating family relationships with adult children, siblings, in-laws, or grandchildren? Share this email with them. The strongest families are built one thoughtful conversation at a time.
Wishing you a Shabbat of joyful, intentional connection,
Rabbanit Sharona Hassan
Founder of Grand Plan
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