Is It Too Late for Grandparents?
Have you ever looked at a relationship with one of your grandchildren and thought, “It’s too late”?
Maybe they’re older now, and you wish you had been closer when they were younger.
Maybe you live far away.
Maybe there’s tension between you and your adult child, or between you and a child-in-law, and that tension has affected your relationship with your grandchildren.
Maybe you said something you wish you could take back.
Or maybe nothing dramatic happened. Life simply got busy, years went by, and the relationship isn’t what you imagined it would be.
And now you wonder: Did I miss my chance?
As we approach Yom Kippur, I think Haazinu offers us a powerful way to think about that question.
Haazinu is not exactly a comforting song. Moses speaks honestly about the Israelites turning away, forgetting, and breaking their relationship with God. There is failure and there are consequences.
But the story doesn’t end there.
That is one of the profound ideas of Yom Kippur.
Teshuvah is often translated as repentance, but it also means turning or returning.
We look honestly at what has happened, but we don't have to believe that what happened determines everything that comes next.
There is always the possibility of turning.
And I think that matters enormously in grandparenting.
Because sometimes we think relationships have a deadline.
If I didn't establish the relationship when my grandchild was three, maybe I can't establish it when they're thirteen.
If my adult child and I have had years of conflict, maybe we'll always have conflict.
If my child-in-law doesn't particularly like me, maybe there's nothing I can do.
If I haven't passed along the Jewish traditions that matter to me, maybe I've already missed my opportunity.
But what if the question isn't: “How do I fix the past?”
What if it's: “Where can I turn today?”
When we want to strengthen a relationship, there are three places we can turn.
Turn toward yourself.
Before asking, “How can I get my grandchild to be closer to me?” ask:
What kind of grandparent do I want to be?
What matters to me? What do I want my grandchildren to experience when they're with me? What do I have to offer?
And perhaps just as importantly, what am I trying to control that isn't actually mine to control?
We are grandparents, not parents. Our children and children-in-law make decisions about their families that may be very different from the decisions we would make.
Sometimes creating a better connection begins with letting go of the grandparent we imagined we'd be and becoming intentional about the grandparent we can actually be.
Turn toward others.
Sometimes the relationship that needs attention isn't with the grandchild.
It's with the parent.
Your son. Your daughter. Your daughter-in-law. Your son-in-law.
Our grandchildren come to us through their parents. When those adult relationships are strained, we may not be able to simply leap over the tension.
So perhaps teshuvah here means asking:
Is there something I need to repair?
Maybe I need to apologize. Maybe I need to listen without defending myself. Maybe I need to respect a boundary I don't particularly like. Maybe I need to make the first move.
And sometimes turning toward someone means something very small:
A text or phone call. A genuine question.
“I miss you. I'd love to find a way to be more connected.”
We can't control how another person responds. But we can choose our own next step.
Turn toward the Divine.
And then there is our connection to God.
Yom Kippur reminds us that returning is possible. We don't have to be trapped by the person we were yesterday.
For Jewish grandparents, our connection to the Divine can also become part of what we share with the next generation.
Not necessarily through teaching or telling our grandchildren what they should believe.
They can see what Judaism means to us through the way we pray, celebrate, express gratitude, observe Shabbat, tell stories, sing, ask questions, or turn to God when life is difficult.
Sometimes what we transmit isn't a lesson.
It's a way of being.
And it may not be too late to invite someone into that part of your life.
You may not be able to change what happened ten years ago.But you can choose what you do today.
So this Yom Kippur, perhaps instead of only asking, “What did I do wrong?”, ask: Where can I turn?
Toward myself. Toward someone I love. Toward God.
It isn't about perfect relationships. It isn't about controlling our children or grandchildren. And it isn't about becoming some ideal version of a Jewish grandparent.
It's about being intentional about the connections that matter to us, and looking for the small ways we can strengthen them.
Maybe the story isn't finished yet.
Are you looking for guidance, support, and inspiration in these connects?
If you want to explore your own role in shaping your family, I invite you to join me this fall for Becoming the Grandparent You Want to Be, my six-week workshop beginning in mid-October.
Together, we explore what it means to be a joyful, intentional grandparent through the lives of the first Jewish parents, Torah text, reflection, conversation, and practical ideas for strengthening our relationships with our grandchildren.
It is a chance to step back from the everyday questions of grandparenting and think intentionally about who you want to be in this role, what you want to bring to your family, and what kind of legacy you want to create.
Learn more about Becoming the Grandparent You Want to Be
As we enter Yom Kippur, may we remember that it is never too late to turn.
May we find the courage to turn toward the relationships that matter, the wisdom to know what is ours to repair, and the openness to leave the door open for what we cannot control.
And may this Yom Kippur bring us closer to the people we love, closer to ourselves, and closer to the One who gives us the possibility of beginning again.
Shabbat Shalom - Gmar Chatima Tova,
Rabbanit Sharona Hassan
Founder of Grand Plan
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