Recently I watched a grandmother at a wedding.
She had been looking forward to this moment for months. She was thrilled to be there, had thought carefully about what she would wear, how she would participate, and how she would celebrate her granddaughter. This was one of those moments she had probably imagined many times before it arrived.
And then the wedding began.
The music was loud. The dancing was energetic. People wanted her to join in and celebrate. But her body couldn't keep up. The noise and movement became overwhelming, and the grandmother couldn't participate in the way she had dreamed she would.
Nothing had gone wrong with the wedding.
Nothing had gone wrong with the relationship.
And yet, something had gone wrong with the moment she had imagined.
I found myself thinking about how often grandparenting is like this.
We can love our grandchildren deeply. We can want desperately to be present. We can prepare, plan, travel, call, text, show up and try our very best.
And still, sometimes, the circumstances don't cooperate.
Sometimes our adult children have boundaries we don't understand. Sometimes distance gets in the way. Sometimes religious differences complicate family life. Sometimes our grandchildren are going through something that makes them less available to us.
And sometimes, as we get older, our own bodies become a barrier. We can't travel as easily. We can't hear in a noisy room. We can't keep up with the dancing. We may have the love and the desire, but not always the physical ability to express it in the way we imagined.
This week's Torah portion, Ki Tetzei, is filled with situations that are far from ideal.
The Torah does not describe a perfect world in which every relationship works, every system protects everyone, and every person is able to live exactly as they wish.
Instead, it repeatedly asks a different question:
How do we live faithfully when reality doesn't match the ideal?
That is a question many grandparents know intimately.
And perhaps it is also a question for Elul.
As we approach Rosh Hashanah, we are encouraged to examine our lives honestly. Not only the parts that make us proud, but also the places where things didn't turn out as we expected.
Perhaps we have to grieve some of those things.
And perhaps we can also ask:
What is still possible?
The grandmother at the wedding could not participate in the celebration exactly as she had imagined.
But she was there.
She had made the journey.
She was surrounded by people who loved her.
And she was witnessing an extraordinary moment in her granddaughter's life.
Perhaps that is the lesson I want to carry with me.
Sometimes intentional connection isn't about creating the perfect moment.
Sometimes it is about recognizing the moment that is actually available to us, and finding the love within it.
Our grandchildren are watching us learn these lessons, too.
As we enter a new school year and move deeper into Elul, perhaps this is a good time to ask ourselves not whether our grandparenting looks the way we imagined, but:
What we can do with the relationship we actually have?
Joyful. Where is there still joy, however small? A shared joke. A favorite food. A silly text. A story your grandchild loves to hear. Notice it, and make a little more room for it.
Intentional. What is one adjustment you could make that would allow you to participate more fully in your grandchild's life, given the realities you face?
Connection. What is one small way to let your grandchild know, "I am here," even when you cannot show up exactly as you wish? A question. A phone call. A message before the first day of school. An invitation that doesn't demand a response. Connection doesn't always require a breakthrough. Sometimes it begins with simply letting someone know, I'm here.
Elul invites us to look honestly at our relationships, including the places that hurt. Perhaps we can hold both truths at once: this is not the grandparenting I imagined, and there is still something beautiful I can do with what I have.
Wishing you a Shabbat of joyful, intentional connection.
Rabbanit Sharona Hassan
Founder of Grand Plan
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A parent.
A grandparent.
A child.
Whether celebrating a joyous life-cycle event or honoring the memory of those no longer with us, it is a meaningful way to connect the generations and mark a legacy.
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